Hello everyone! Sorry for the lack of updates lately. Both Krista and I have been very busy lately. I just took my last final today, and am officially on Winter Break! I’m hoping to be able to update the blog more often now that I have a little bit more time on my hands.

I still can’t believe I survived my first semester of graduate school. I’m proud, but a little anxious about what happens next. I know things aren’t getting any easier!

This Winter Break I want to be completely selfish and focus on me! It sounds terrible, but I really want to take the time to not only improve myself, but to really get everything together before I start school again in mid-January.

My Goals for Winter Break:

1. Read, read, and read some more! I have a list of 20+ books I would like to get through before school starts again. Right now I am reading a book called “The Poetics of Space”.

2. Apply for jobs! Being unemployed is very, very frustrating to me. I feel like I have applied to a million jobs, and so far, nothing. I have also applied to two really interesting internships…I hope I get them!

3. Travel! The goal is to visit Prunedale, Sacramento, Lodi, Angels Camp, as well as some day trips around the Bay Area

4. Take pictures!

5. Paint! I’m a terrible painter, but I find it very relaxing. I’d like to take some time to paint some new pictures this winter

6. Work on my art!

7. Watch movies!

8. Update the blog!

9. Cook and bake yummy vegan food!

10. RELAX! Hang out with friends! Have fun!

So what do you like to do on your time off? Even if you aren’t in school, what do you do when you’re not working? Any recommendations of fun things for me to do?

Have a happy holiday season!

~Michelle

Okay

It’s not really the inability to fall asleep, or the fact that I wake up at 5:10AM every single morning thinking I have a text message, but it’s the flashback nightmares that really get to me. No matter how hard I try to forget, almost every night is a reminder.

I am tired of being tired. I am tired of getting restless night’s sleep.

I have always felt this pressure to be “better”, to not be so “affected” by what happened. I almost feel guilty admitting that I’m still not okay. And it should be okay. Because fact is that eight months ago everything was stolen from me: my life, my home, my possessions, and my trust. And just because my ex was able to easily forget and move on (he’s already engaged), doesn’t mean I have to as well. This isn’t a competition, it’s life. And just because I’m not “perfect” does not mean I’m not better!

I have to know that it will take TIME, and eight months is really no time at all. I think that I have made progress, and these blips of anxieties are just the tail end of dealing with everything that happened. I know I am doing the right thing by taking my time and trying to be better instead of moving on and falling back into old patterns.

So if anyone out there has any sleeping advice! I’d like to avoid sleeping medication if at all possible, or if you do know a non-habitual forming type, let me know! How do you combat anxiety at night? And how do you get a good night’s sleep?

Hope to hear from you soon!

xoxo
Michelle

hey jive turkey

I love it when this happens; I gain inspiration from my cowriter..My years been a tuff one too. It could be much worse; but it’s been challenging.

I’m thankful I get to be me and not dictated to.

I’m thankful for a tank of gas

I’m thankful for finding out who my real friends are.

I’m thankful for milkshakes

I’m soo thankful for my good friends, I think I’d bottom out if I didn’t have them.

I’m thankful for quitting smoking. I’m so thankful for that.

I too am glad to cut ties with jerks and control freaks and perfectionists.

I’m thankful my cat got through his sickness and is on the road to recovery quickly.

I’m thankful for learning to save money due to quitting smoking in a proper way.

I’m thankful my friend in Cincinatti found me after two years.

I’m thankful for getting a bike for free that’s my size.

I’m thankful that my lung is healing up nicely.

I’m thankful for the support I’ve gotten.

I’m thankful to see one of my best friends clean up and be real with me.for years this is what i’ve wanted.
-K

My First Vegan Thanksgiving!

Hello everyone! Sorry for the lack of updates recently. I have been ridiculously busy with school, and next week isn’t going to be better! I have three Powerpoints, one term paper, two gallery applications, and one final to study for…phew!

So this Thanksgiving I am having a small dinner with my immediate family. Both my mom and I are vegetarian, so she said it would be okay if I made a “second” meal to go along with the traditional Thanksgiving feast. So I decided to make an all vegan meal to prove how easy being vegetarian/vegan really is.

On the menu:

1. Tofurky with roasted vegetables
2. Salad
3. Vegan stuffing
4. Vegetable Rice
5. Vegan Pumpkin Brownie Pie
6. Apple pie (if I have time!)

All of the recipes I found through Google or The Post Punk Kitchen. I’m not going to list the specific recipes because you should choose one based on the ingredients you have, and the one that works best for you. But I just wanted to share with you what I’m doing for Thanksgiving. I know the holiday is a bit controversial (poor Native Americans didn’t see it coming), but I like to celebrate the ideas of being grateful with a yummy cruelty free meal!

I am grateful for a lot of things this year…

I am grateful that 2009 is almost over. Both 2008 and 2009 have been terrible years, and I only hope 2010 will be better.

I am grateful for my family and friends because without them I would not be where I am today. In April my entire world fell apart. I wouldn’t wish the hell I went through on anyone. But I am grateful for my friends and family for sticking with me through it and for being there with me through thick and thin.

I am grateful for being able to cut ties. I am glad I have the ability to cut negative people out of my life and to make new friends who are not jerks.

I am grateful to have some money. Because even though I have to be careful and could really use a job right now, I am grateful I have enough money to eat and live happily. Today in the grocery store there was this little white trashy family counting coupons and the the mom was sitting in the aisle with her calculator making sure she didn’t over spend. It broke my heart because it reminded me of when I was a kid and we went through tough times. I am grateful that I went through those times because it has made me more humble today.

I am grateful for my losses because now I don’t take things for granted.

I am grateful to be in graduate school because despite the stress/lack of sleep/long days/etc. I am able to spend each day doing something I love.

Anyways, whatever your beliefs, I hope everyone has a great Thanksgiving holiday!

xoxo
Michelle

I sometimes wonder….

who reads us besides the occaisional jerkoff and a handful of rad people who’ve left us awesome comments and my partner in crime and snarkyness. I wonder if old friends & enemies read. I wonder if creepy and schmucky stalker exes read…or if nice, decent ones read..I wonder if creepy stalkers and horrible people read it. I wonder if handsome northern european men read it…or if creepy men with too much chest hair read it. I wonder if gay men read it. I hope gay men read it. I like them better than most people. They’re fun. and they’ll tell you if you look like shit. And help you fix it. They’ll hold your hair when you puke and NOT try and F*ck you. And they give really tasteful fine xmas gifts. and appreciate the thought you put into theirs.
just saying.
All today I decided to listen to some old mixes I’d made when I was fourteen; so about ten year old mixes. I had some interesting taste back then even. then I built a little sound wall with my accoustic guitar and the music bouncing off of it, in my bed with pillows and speakers so it was music all around.. First disc started with pennywise, a random cut from Bro Hymns. Then Michael Jackson’s ‘Smooth Criminal’, Some rockabilly artist singing ‘Who slapped John?’, then my old neighbor’s brother singing this really obscure song “La Bamba”..Oh yeah I forgot to mention; Richie Valens’ family grew up next to mine; we all rode out the quake of ‘89 together and his niece was my best friend. She was so awesome to be a few years older but still want to play and go to hello kitty (Who doesn’t love going to Hello Kitty?.) Oh back to my musicy day. ; Devo, Mink Deville, TSOL, A song called “Civilization’s Dyin”, GMB by the Rayguns (oh try and find that song; you won’t..) some old good Riddance, Some DHC, some chron gen, I even managed to find ‘carousel’ by blink. Hank williams, Koufax, just a random mix.

“Hey baby can you bleed like me? Hey baby can you breed like me?”
-K

Done and done

Check the date. Now check the date of my first posting about quitting smoking. It’s been a month and it’s really becoming easy to just ignore it if i’m around it and I’m not even using the patches anymore. I talked to a doctor who’d quit for four years and jumped right back on recently. Everyone’s surprized that I say it’s so easy. Just don’t think about it, think about other shit and keep busy. And goddamn! The money I’m saving from not spending 6 dollars every day for a pack or even twelve for two. I decided whatever I’m not smoking up anymore is going towards a vacation fund.

why is it around the holidays we tend to find ourselves wrapped up in thoughts of friends and family who’ve passed on? Every night thoughts of my dearly departed friend pops into my head. I thought we’d be the lone wolves at the end; when all was said and done, we’d be the smart ones. Now I’m the sick one and he’s the dead one. I think we both knew we were sick, our minds were different. Over many deep discussions we’d relate on things no one else in the world could. We spent a holiday or two together. His mom baked like, 300 cookies on new years eve and covered every kitchen surface while we got lost in a field, thought we were in Oz, watched our socks glow under a black light (a little drugs goes a long ways) and watched Telemundo at midnite. way better dancing and more gusto! For xmas we exchanged gifts; he got me a little spider plant and I got him fake food (plastic). I miss you, friend. I wish you were around. We were big stoners and cereal eaters; damnit cameron I’d bake you a cake if you’d come back. You never knew how beautiful you were.

KILL YOUR IDLES: I had the chance to interview someone I’ve looked up to for years. Names excluded. First he makes me feel about 2 inches tall, then hits on me. Literally, asks what I’m wearing. clothes, dingbat! I asked him for advice for young writers..and what does he say? Don’t write..you’ll never make any money. What if I don’t care about the money? What if I care about the music? Don’t look up to anyone, because then they’re looking down on you.

ps. Everyone bug michelle to put up our epic halloween pictures!

-K

Legalize it, damnit!

I do my best thinking high. and more and more areas are approving it for personal use in the us than ever. like now. I’m pretty high. and legally high too; I got my card on a discount.

Anyone watch Donny Osmond on dancing with the stars when I was? His hair screamed Gary Glitter, his outfit part MJ/kiss and makeup Adam Ant (actually looks like a portrait I did when Michelle and I had our paint night. It was delightful.

Oh then it was cute Aaron Carter and that russsian vixen dancer that dates all her partners (no, more power to her) danced to the Spin Doctors “Two Princes.” Man. Some of that 90’s grunge/rock/alternative can bring back memories. Don’t even play the smashing pumpkin’s around me; I’ll only think of Cameron. It’s like a bad episode of cold case files.

Gripe gripe gripe:

WHY IN THE HELL IS EVERYONE SO SCARED OF BEING SINGLE?

Seems like everyone around me is gettings married. It’s like everyone’s afraid to know themselves, to live life on their own terms? for some of , the adventure isn’t over and the horse ain’t dead. I think I’ll go smash it up a little more with my billyclub. I have the tendency to surprize people. ”The Bitch is back, stone cold sober as a matter of fact…”

Get ready for a fucking shocker.

-K

What’s up with labels?

We live in a pretty crazy world. One that forces us to label ourselves or have others label us; whether it be due to the music we listen to; the friends we have, our appearance, our living conditions; where we shop..
People will find or use any reason to slap a label on us. And why? Do these P.O.S’s really care that much to look into it? Wait! that’s just one persons’s opinion; the whole world doesn’t label people as a whole unless you’re a serial killer or part of the ministry. One person’s crappy opinion is like a grain of sand. So small and irrelevant.

I was four years old and at preschool; now this preschool was awesome. They had big wheels, the raddest, biggest playground equiptment and had even biggger imaginations. At the time, I was very, very into Batman. Everyday we’d take turns being characters; they even had a hodge-podge costume bin! I’d always get stuck with cat woman or bat girl. Because I was a girl. I wanted to be batman so bad and said ‘I wanna be batman today.’ He was the most powerful, bada** superhero I knew of and I was enthralled with the whole Batman phenomenon. I didn’t want to play pretty pretty princess or tea party; I
wanted to be a superhero. One of the ruder boys in my class said ‘No, You’re a girl, you CAN’T can’t be Batman!!’

I went home angry and told my mom how I’d been denied being Batman and how that wasn’t fair. My mom gave the best advice I can think of to this day..”You can be anything you want to be..no one has any right to tell you who you are!”

The next day when the recess bell rang I walked up to the kid who’d told me I coudn’t be batman; grabbed the chincy costume (way cool at the time though), and told him ‘I can be whatever I want to be.’ Being four, he had no retort for that other than a hissy fit. I think he had to be Robin that day. I rode off with my construction paper batman mask and cape on the best big wheel bike at the preschool.
The moral of this story? You can be who you want to be, no matter what anyone says. I can’t say I favor group mentality; to be an indivudual is divine.

And many thanks to our readers who have supported my quitting smoking (including my cowriter) and appreciate the encouragement so much. If you want to quit; it’s free, 1800-NO-BUTTS, and you can choose from a medication, the gum or the patches and it shows up in three days. They give you enough for a handfull of months and call a few times to see how you’re doing and if you’re staying on track.

As for Labels; to quote the amazing Rolling Stones,”I Know it’s only rock’n roll but I like it!” not just one fascist genre with an elitist attitude. Keep your mind open; it works better that way.

Happy Halloween and have a safe and fun one!
I’ve gotta go get ready!
<3K

Boring!

Day before halloween; superb!
We currently have a visitor who’s been leaving really nasty comments and it’s so cute, their name, “Punk Not Fashion.” I’m sorry you don’t have anything better to do but go to a minor website such as ours and leave useless drivel on it. Especially if you know how I deal with people like this: see who you are and delete whatever you wrote before I even care to read it. But we really appreciate your adding to our base; it’s one more bump up showing how many people visit. Hate it or Love it; you’re supporting us. And it just makes us look better! Might I suggest; as I have in the past when we had someone writing mindless crap on our page; a hobby? a life? therapy? Continuous anger or jealousy comes from a dark, sociopathic place. But really, we feel special. The internet is a huge, vast creation with billions and billions of page, and you chose our page to check out. we’re just two people writing about life. Might I suggest you get one?
Gratefully Yours,
K

keep on the sunny side

My best friend hates me. I just had to open my big ‘ol mouth and say what I feel. I’ve always been so good at hiding my feelings and suppressing my emotions, I don’t know what made me think change is good. The plan backfired, and I hurt someone I care about dearly.

I’ve been pretty bummed the past few days. I hate knowing someone is angry with me; I hate being ignored. Plus, I miss talking to my friend.

I don’t really know what to do. I’ve tried to offer an apology, I’ve tried to give him space, but nothing seems to be right. I know “backing off” is probably the best of options, but it makes me feel trapped. I could have potentially broken completely or damaged our friendship, and that makes me feel terrible.

I just wish he could know how sorry I am, and how stupid I feel. I don’t regret what I said (per se), but the timing was terrible. Some things should just be kept to yourself.

I’m just going to try and stay positive, listen to my Carter Family records, and wait patiently.

peace, love, and kitty cats,
Michelle